Tag Archives: dad

White feathers, dreams and things…

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I’m not a religious person, I used to be, I was raised catholic but that’s not what I want to write about today, the point is I’m not religious but I do believe in the human spirit and that it is more than just the human being it exists in at any one time.

My mum died on 12th November 2010 (12/11/10 interesting number sequence!) after a lengthy battle with multiple sclerosis, before her death I used to dream about it. For as much as a decade before it actually happen I would dream of her dying, it was never in horrific circumstances but it was always very real and very, very sad, I often woke up literally sobbing.

At some point in the last decade I was also told that some people believe that time is a very human concept, evolved by man to make sense of things but that past, present and future may not exist in the same context on the, for want of a better word, spiritual plane.

Somewhere in my head I bought that belief together with the dreams and developed the idea that somehow, on some level the dreams were my mums way of preparing me for the inevitable, for the absolute certainty that my Mum would die and that I couldn’t stop it. I have never really concluded whether it was my subconscious creating that idea of whether I believed somehow that my mum was influencing those dreams on some spiritual level but I didn’t matter as they served their purpose and when her time came it was a peaceful and loving time for our family.

The reason for writing this post however is because I don’t dream of her very often these days but I did last night, in the dream she was alive and not as sick as she had been the last decade of her life but was still frail and the MS still made her vulnerable. Aside from a weird start to the dream that involved my dad, some bats (the flying kind!) and the garage of our old house, it was a simple dreaming experience. I went into her room to find her falling out of bed (something that happened many times in real life), I caught her just in time and put her gently back into a comfortable position to rest and then I woke up.

I woke content to have spent time with my Mum albeit in a dream but also highly attuned to what day it was, you see today my husband, who I love enormously, had an operation to remove his gallbladder, he was very nervous, as was I and although very common he has had more than his fair share of medical problems and we both just wanted it over and done with.

I quickly moved on with getting us to the hospital only mentioning the dream in passing to him and we sat around and waited 4hrs until it was his turn, I was duly sent on my way and told the nurses would call me when he was out of theatre and so I headed to the car park to wait at home. As I got into the car I noticed something on the windscreen, a small, perfect, pure white feather. And I knew that everything was going to be alright.

As I said I’m not a religious person but I do believe in the human spirit and somehow, I am certain, my Mum looked after him for me today, thanks Mum x

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Creating a timeline for our children

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the Facebook timeline, it’s occurred to me that my children will grow up to find that their Mum has kept a detailed chronological record of their lives from their birth (my status March 08 reads: Willow Heidi Smith, 1hr 24 min old, she arrived 6th March at 1.55am, she’s amazing) through to other major events (when my Mum passed away in November 2010 I wrote: few people have the privilege of being able to hold their loved ones as they gently pass from this world into the next, we love you Mum and we are all so grateful to have been together today, my heart is aching, such a beautiful and gentle mother, watch over us x x x x)

I’m starting to weigh up the pros and cons of this, on the plus side it means they will have a detailed window into their Mum and Dads lives, where we went (through all the ‘check-in’s) to how they behaved as infants but then I started to worry! If this is going to be there for them to read do I celebrate the positives enough or do I spend too much time moaning about sleepless nights and teething? Do I share things they will be mortified to read as young adults or am I recording memories that would otherwise slip away into the past?

As I mentioned above I lost my own Mum in 2010 and one of the overwhelming feelings I have is that I didn’t know her well enough, I mean I did obviously know her very well but I find myself wondering what she was like as a child, I can only guess at the things she would have ‘liked’ on Facebook, though to be fair she wasn’t much interested in technology so probably would never have used it even if she’d been able to (she had progressive MS for 32 years!).

So when my own children look back on my timeline, either with me or after I’m gone what will they be gaining from it? Will it reveal the real me or will it only show the version of me I choose to portray online? We all do a bit of a PR job on ourselves online… Some write with such melodrama that you’d never recognise their calm exterior on the street, others with charisma that far outperforms their face to face contact, I’ve known friends describe themselves in ways that are completely alien to me, but is this perception or reality?

My children will never know a world without touch screen, social networking, wireless technology, they will be different adults because of this… Make no mistake this is changing all the rules of social interaction! I’m sure some much smarter people are already studying these ideas and writing about them so I won’t claim to be an expert on human nature or psychology but I do know that relationships are built and developed based on trust, knowledge of one another and shared interests… On the one hand social networking has all the potential to accelerate the way humans form bonds and develop friendships, on the other it is so wide open for abuse it’s frightening!

My husband doesn’t do social networking (yet! He didn’t ‘do’ mobile phones until about 2008!) and doesn’t suffer for it, he is still happy to actually talk to people face to face or on the telephone (oh that’s what those little smart boxes are we all carry!) whereas I never have time for that nonsense and arrange what I call my ‘real life’ though a range of tweets, direct messages and status updates. I’m going to make a mental note to revisit this post each year to see how things have developed!

As always I would love to know your thoughts?

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I just want to be alone!… The selfish cry of the tired Mummy

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The kids are at the grandparents for the night, the husband and I have been for a meal and a movie, my goodness it feels good!

I adore my children, I love that they are tactile and want to be cuddled and tickled and kissed and squeezed, I love that they want to brush my hair, stand on my head and nibble my toes but sometimes, especially this time of year when we are all cooped up in the house because of the wet and cold outside, sometimes I really, really, really want to be left alone!

I have started using the phrase ‘personal space’ with my nearly 4 year old, I cringe whenever I say it but haven’t a clue what else to say! She is still in the stage of believing the world exists to amuse her and we are all merely entertainers. She wants to do everything WITH someone and not alone! This includes going to the toilet, eating and playing. Her brother at just under 2 is still in the stage of being sensitive to the world around him and therefore wanting to be carried around it when it displeases him, he is teething, so at the moment this is often!

When my husband comes home from work tired from spending the day with an office full of people that barely look at one another let alone touch, he would like for me to be tactile with him… I try but to be brutally honest , once the kids are in bed… I just want to be alone for a bit!

Don’t get me wrong, I love my husbands company and the kids too but I have always been one of those people happy with my own company, I don’t get to see much of myself at the moment! Between 2 jobs, 2 children, the chores, the cooking, the cleaning, the committee, the school runs, the visits with family and friends, there really isn’t any time to be alone. I know I’d moan if I was but if I could just be guaranteed 20 minutes of pure alone time each day….well what I could do with that time!

Is it just me or does anyone else just want to be alone sometimes?

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